Dear Brett Myers

Dear Brett Myers,

Please. No, seriously, pretty please make up a fake injury so the the front office will be forced to put you on the DL - 15-day, 60-day, even the Eagles' PUP list for all I care. You make $8 million a year, so we all know they're going to "wait it out" rather than pay someone else to pitch in your spot of the rotation. You owe it to us. We watched you beat your wife up and down the streets of Boston. We have stood behind your attempt to patch things up there, so you definitely half to stand by our stance that you really suck right now. I mean, you're really, really bad. Adam Eaton is somehow outperforming you. Adam Eaton. I'm sorry that I had to go there, but you've left me no choice.

Why should we have to sit through your terrible starts on every fifth night? We're coming to the stadium at a franchise record-breaking pace this year and you're making us want to gouge our eyes out. You're 1-9 in your last 10 decisions. I'm going there again, even Adam Eaton didn't get that bad.

You've allowed 24 home runs this year. 24! Who comes in second? Paul Byrd with 20. So now Brett, you're in the class of an Eaton and a Byrd. Are you proud of that? Opposing batters have a .551 slugging percentage off of you. A .907 OPS! You're making shitty batters look like Chase Utleys or Ryan Howards.

So what's the deal? We all know you're a head case: see wife beating/dragging by the hair incident. Is it because your mechanics are poor and you're out of shape or is it something deeper? Do you need to see professional help again? After you spent a month in counseling with the wife, you were a phenomenal pitcher down the stretch in 2006. Absolutely phenomenal. Where did all of that go? Man the fuck up. No one is going to pity you anymore.

A continually heart-broken Philadelphia fan,
Justin Evans